No, this isn’t some apocalyptic conspiracy theory post. Dark times for ME are ahead. Or maybe I’m already in it. I really can’t catch a break AT ALL. Everything is crashing down on me all at once. It’s suffocating.

I’ve been having more anxiety lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I feel like a shell instead of a whole person. I’m either running on a hamster wheel or just wandering around aimlessly trying to find meaning in my life. One would think at 41 that they’ve got it somewhat figured out.

Maybe I’m cursed. Maybe I’m just not meant to enjoy and live life. Maybe I’m just put on this planet to struggle and always in survival mode. I want to disappear so bad. I want to run away from everything and everyone. I have decided to change my name when we move out of Maryland. I’m starting over – new name and everything.

My heart is always trying to jump out of my chest every morning. I dread waking up. I dread what kind of fucked up shit I’ll find out. There are so many things going on and I really don’t want to share them on here…but it’s just all fucked up. Just knowing that they’re there is paralyzing.

I have no motivation to do anything. I need a therapist but there’s so much to unpack that the ones I’ve met before had no clue how to deal with me. On the outside, I put on a brave face. On the inside, I’m curled up in the corner, in the dark, screaming. I’m tired of fighting to survive.

I’m just tired. Period.