Sad. That’s all I feel nowadays. I have my reasons to be sad. Reasons I’m not ready to share yet.

But it’s all I feel. A while ago, I felt scared. Scared of the future, scared of the present. Just scared. It wasn’t a fun time – I just wanted to dig a hole and crawl in there and avoid coming out.

But now, I’m just sad all the time. It’s the kind of sad that goes deep in your soul and you end up just feeling sorry for everyone around you because they have to deal with it, too. I know my deteriorating mental health is affecting everyone but me and it has made me be more distant and unreachable.

I try. I try as much as I can to not worry everyone else. I don’t talk about it much. Talking about it makes it more real than I want it to be.

I’ve kind of given up on the whole improving my mental health shit. I just never find the reason to because things never turn out the way I want them to be when I try to prevent the worst from happening. But they happen no matter what I do. It seems like my efforts are for nothing.

I just go on with my life without any excitement about the future. Anytime something close to good happens, I question it. I guess this is what it’s going to be like from here on out.