I went to the cardiologist last week. They did an EKG and my heart rate at rest was 117 BPM. So I had to go back and get a stress test, an ultrasound, and then another EKG. I passed my stress test. I haven’t heard about my ultrasound yet, and I guess my EKG is fine? But they have me wearing a holter monitor.

They want to know why I’m having palpitations – a lot. I’m stressed out that’s why. And stress got worse over the last 2 weeks.

Suki died unexpectedly. She went into my drawer to take a nap and never woke up. Hubert started acting weird and I think he was missing her a lot. A week later, Hubert passed away. We think he died of a broken heart.

I don’t like talking about the deaths of my pets. It makes the pain of the loss so deep. It also affects my stress levels, and my mental health, my whole body shuts down.

Since Carter died, I haven’t been the same since. I may have improved a little bit but it has been hard. I’m scared to leave my house because what if another dog dies or gets hurt and I wasn’t there?

So I’m just rambling here…but I’m just so tired of life. I’m tired of struggling and not knowing what happens next. I know it’s not unique to only me. I know everyone is going through the same shit. But where does it fucking end?

Falling apart is not an option. I can’t afford to have a psychotic meltdown when I have so many depending on me. But keeping my shit together is not easy. And then I have to think about my health. I have suicidal thoughts – and sometimes I wish I don’t wake up when I go to bed. But where will that leave my family? My pets?

I’m in no way successful in life. I’m like a lot of people. I just take it one day at a time. I tackle one problem at a time. I’m never prepared for a disaster. I’m just winging this shit.

Next week, I have to see a vascular doctor for a possible blood clot in my leg. I also have a CT scan to see if there’s any calcification in my heart. My kids don’t know about my cardiovascular problems.

I’m just going to leave it here for now. I’m currently fostering 2 black kittens. But I think this will be another foster fail. Jeremy has gotten attached to them.