It hasn’t been a bad month but not a very good month either. In less than 30 days, I found a new therapist (she’s great), my husband had knee surgery, I witnessed a shooting, and now my dog has to be medicated because he’s too anxious and gets excited about everything – if that makes sense.

The new therapist just seems to understand where I’m coming from and what I’m trying to do to overcome trauma. She actually can tell what gets under my skin. She knows why I tend to push people away and why I always have my guard up. It all comes down to a series of traumatic events that happened when I was a teenager. I had to deal with them alone. So we’re navigating through my childhood and how what happened is affecting my life as an adult. I didn’t know at first, but I’ve always had agoraphobia. I thought it started developing during the pandemic, but I’ve always had it. It just got worse during lockdown.

The agoraphobia comes from when I would get into shit being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Or hanging around people who weren’t good for me or safe to be around. The fear of the same things happening all over again also made me socially anxious. I wouldn’t go anywhere by myself. If I have to go alone to some event, it’s not happening. I can’t really explain to people that I fear leaving my house. I worry about being around people I don’t know. I just make up excuses. I might say my kid has something going on. Or, I didn’t get a sitter for my dogs.

Then the shooting happened last week and let’s add that to the list of things that caused my PTSD. I don’t want to go into it. Revealing my location is a risk, but I watched the whole thing go down. No one got hurt, but to me, anyone could’ve been hurt. I don’t know how badly seeing someone get shot in cold blood could affect me. I live in a fairly safe area. However, there have been plenty of shootings within a mile radius of where I live. And that’s too close. And to be honest, I’m going through too much of my own shit right now. But that shooting did something to me. It’s making me more scared than ever to leave my house again. I’m scared that I could be at the wrong place at the wrong time again and then be the one that could get hurt.

Some people I told downplayed my feelings and my reason to be afraid. Telling me, “Well, you didn’t get hurt. Your family is safe, etc.” That’s not the point. The point is I was there. If I had crossed the street a minute too late, I would’ve been in the line of fire. I guess they say those things to me so they can feel better about themselves. They act as if it’s the most supportive thing to say. But, it’s not about them. If they were there and saw what I saw, they’d be shell-shocked as I am. The sound of the gunshots haven’t left my head. And that’s all I hear when I step out the door. I had an errand to run a few days ago. It was nerve wracking. It was stressful to keep my head on a swivel. Just trying to live and go on about my business is starting to become a lot of work.

My husband had knee surgery and I’ll be his nurse for 4-6 weeks. Even though he’s eligible for short term disability, he’s getting up in the morning and taking himself to work. That man’s dedication is out of this world. I’m such a wuss. Even though I work from home, I still took a week off after my tummy tuck. I wanted a mini-vacation.

I took my dogs to the vet today. One needed his annual and the other one needed a follow-up because she caught Lyme disease. She had to be on antibiotics for 25 days. My male is dog reactive and is terrified of the vet. But this is a new clinic and they all loved him. They understood the breed, listened to my concerns, played with him, and let him be himself. His sweet side came out and it was like seeing how he is at home. I’ve had several vets in the past but this clinic was amazing with him. Now, I need to bring one of my cats for his yearly and I’m sure they’ll love him, too,

Started journaling again and reading more often. Because I don’t have social media anymore, I’m not doom scrolling. I found that I have more time on my hands. I took up reading. I’m actually focusing on TV shows. I just feel like cutting off the outside world that don’t do anything for me is what I need. I keep the 2-3 friends that I have and just stick to talking to them.

I also spent Thanksgiving with my mom and we were no contact for over a decade. When I came over the first thing she did was hug me. We talked about so many things. She showed me where she has displayed all my artwork. These include pieces from when I was 7/8 years old to when I was 20/21. It felt good to know that even though we were on bad terms, she was still thinking of me. I texted her when I got home that I had fun and I was so glad to see her so happy (finally!). She texted me back and told me she was proud of me, too. I’m approaching this with baby steps but I can say that all is done and forgiven. She acknowledged what she did wrong. She was apologetic and made the effort to reach out. I realized I didn’t need to hold a grudge against her for the rest of my life. I’ll be spending Christmas with her and my siblings.

Also, this is my new favorite song at the moment. It’s old, but it’s still wonderful.