TW: Thoughts of suicide
I just want to let you know that you have absolutely destroyed my life. You destroyed any chance I have to achieve things I wanted to achieve because you’ve crippled me.
Aside from the mental pain, you also cause me physical pain. My muscles and my joints ache. I get stomach aches. I get headaches and just recently, frequent migraines. You make being alive too much work. And sometimes I question if it’s even worth it.
The past 5 years have been hell for me. As a matter of fact, for a little over 2 years, I had a mental breakdown that was invisible to everyone. But in my head, I was spiraling. I found joy in nothing. Because of you, I couldn’t deal with whatever hell came my way. They just all piled on top of one another, crushing me underneath, making it hard to breathe. The constant thoughts of suicide ran through my head – oh how I wanted to just leave this planet because the pain was unbearable. It just seemed like the solution to all my problems was to take whatever life I had left.
I felt like I had nothing to offer to this world. Sometimes I still feel that way. It’s getting a little better now, but I still feel stuck. I feel useless. I feel no purpose. Every single day I ask myself why I’m even here? What’s the point of being born when the end game is just to die? Why am I wasting my time trying to make something out of myself when I have nothing to give?
Now I’m in a bad place. There are things going on that I just can’t share on here, but every single day is one day closer to the inevitable. My future looks bleak. The future well-being of my pets aren’t looking too good. I’m struggling financially. And the thought of having to give up my animals makes me sick to my stomach. Having to abandon them will kill me. That’s something I can’t live with. How can I live with myself if I abandon those that need me the most? I’m all they know. I just feel helpless. My feet feel like they’re stuck in cement and I can’t move. I don’t have a plan. Plans involve lots of money. Money I don’t have.
I can’t sit around and wait for good luck to come my way. Especially when good luck never happens to me. I know I’m hard on myself, but I have been feeling the pressure of making sure everyone is taken care of. Fuck what I need. To me, the ones I care about matter the most. They come first. All my life, I’ve felt nothing but pressure and obligation. All my life, I’ve put others before me. I know I should start putting myself first but it’s hard. It’s hard to think of myself when in my mind, I’m taking something away from everyone else.
No amount of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and Xanax can take this feeling away. No amount of therapy can take away the heavy feeling sitting on my chest and the 1000 lb. weight off my shoulders. All they do is just make me keep myself from jumping in front of a moving train.
I really don’t know what to do this at this point. I’ve lost all hope. Where does it end?
