I feel like my depression has won this battle. And it’s not your usual, down in the dumps, I’ll get over it soon kind of depression. It’s the kind that has dragged me to the deepest part of the earth and it’s dark. It has become its own entity and follows me wherever I go saying all kinds of fucked up shit to me.

I named it Dickhead.

I haven’t felt this worthless, hopeless, indifferent, etc. in a long time. Not only that, I feel pain. Pain that won’t go away no matter what I try to do to at least alleviate it. My thoughts have been filled with death and feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Who wants to be on suicide watch all the time? Who wants to sit around and worry the next time I end up in the hospital? I feel guilty putting my loved ones through that. They deserve a mother / wife / sister / daughter who isn’t ready to keel over.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don’t find myself looking forward to anything. I don’t find joy in anything. I don’t feel like there’s going to be a happy ending in the future.

I feel like I’m fading faster than I thought. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I’m fading away. Now it’s just going at a faster rate and as much as I don’t want to die, Dickhead keeps me telling me I should just die because I’m no good to anyone. It keeps telling me that I’m a horrible fucking person and I should be punished for the god awful things I’ve done.

I’m sick…mentally and physically. My heart is on its way to failing because of stress. My mental health is deteriorating because of stress and there’s never any good news. I keep expecting the worst. And there’s no disappointment there. All hope has flown out the window and it’s not coming back.

At this point, it’s just cruel to keep me alive. I should just be put out into the pasture and shot in the head like a rabid dog. I keep praying I would end up with something terminal. Like some kind of cancer that will only give me months to live.

I am really having a hard time coping. And I don’t even know if therapy is helping. I don’t even know if my meds are working. I keep taking Xanax like it’s my only lifeline. That and my heart rate is so high that I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.