Author: A Girl & Her Wolves

I'm a clinically depressed fucked up individual who is using this site to just vent about the shitty things about MY life.

I’m Just A Shell

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Had a bad day today. I have a trip starting tomorrow and won’t be back until Thursday afternoon. It’s for work so it’s not even close to remotely fun.

The dogs were acting out, mainly Butch. He seemed mad at me. He kept barking at me all day and also at Freya. I spent a good portion of my day just yelling at my dogs. I feel like such a shitty dog parent. I know they’ll be okay – they behave better around my husband anyway.

We’re moving on Saturday and I’m only 25% packed. I started packing up the things I want to take to the hotel and I need to sort out the ones that can go into storage like spring and summer clothes, artwork, and a bunch of other things that won’t fit in the hotel.

I have to put together the gliders’ new cage and the dogs’ crates. I also have to set up the air purifier and the room essential oil diffuser.

I’ve been going through psychosis. My patience is non-existent, I am angry easily, I get annoyed at everything, I’m irritable, I’m going through mania, too. And the voices are back in my head. I think it’s the Ozempic. But I’m also under a lot of fucking stress.

I have an appt with my doctor tomorrow to address the psychosis and auditory hallucinations. I might ask to change my meds altogether. The Geodon she prescribed is not working. I don’t know if I’ll need a higher dosage, put me back on Abilify, or the last resort – lithium.

I also have therapy on Friday. I made a list of things I want to bring up during sessions. I’m probably going to log how each session went. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of therapy. I’ve had 4 / 5 different ones. They all sucked. I hope this new one doesn’t.

I was hesitating doing therapy again because it’s hard for me to bring up the traumatic shit I went to. But all the anger, resentment, and unresolved trauma is building up and I’m most going to explode and that would not be good for anyone.

At this point, I’m feeling like a total fucking failure. I don’t want to do anything but sleep because it makes the anxiety go away. I really hate the way I’m feeling right now. I have intrusive thoughts – mostly suicidal thoughts.

I just gotta get through the next 4 days for this work trip and then figure out what to do with the long list of shit I have to deal with.

I Feel Dead Inside

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I feel like my condition is getting worse. I have schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. The ADHD is the only thing under some kind of control. I still forget things and put off other stuff, but I’m able to focus on work. I’m also medicated and I really should see a therapist on a regular basis but I haven’t been feeling like talking at all.

I’m so withdrawn and have just been isolating myself. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to be touched. I’m so easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. I love my dogs but when I’m sitting or lying down it’s when they want to go outside and play. It really annoys the shit out of me and I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. I don’t neglect my pets at all, but they remind me of when my kids were little.

I wonder every day why I’m even here. I feel like my life is just a big fucking joke and I’m doing all this shit just to die at the end. I wish I was still doing the things I used to enjoy. I loved drawing, I loved going to places and take pictures. I loved going to sports events. I loved going to museums. Even if I tried now, there would be no passion in it. I just can’t find it in me to enjoy life. I do love sleeping. Yesterday, I went back to sleep at 10 am and woke up at 2 pm. I slept fine last night but I just wanted to sleep more. Maybe because it shuts the voices up.

I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m not here anymore. I’m just a shell of what I used to be. There are a lot of days when I’m mad or upset. Days when I think about getting a gun and just blow my brains out. Days of wondering what it would feel like to be normal. I know so many well adjusted adults and I’m over here regressing. I feel like anything I do will never be good enough. I’m just a disappointment at this point. I think I was born broken.

I really don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m Trying To Survive

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I went to the cardiologist last week. They did an EKG and my heart rate at rest was 117 BPM. So I had to go back and get a stress test, an ultrasound, and then another EKG. I passed my stress test. I haven’t heard about my ultrasound yet, and I guess my EKG is fine? But they have me wearing a holter monitor.

Continue reading “I’m Trying To Survive” →

Experiencing Good Bosses: A Journey to Healthy Workplace Culture

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I read so many stories of bad bosses on subreddits. I’m curious if anyone out there really has a good boss.

I’ve had my fair share of poor management, toxic workplaces (yes, places), backstabbing co-workers, and office bullies. 5 years ago I left a toxic job that ruined my mental health. A month later, I landed a job in a company that gave me a different perspective on people in leadership. There was no drama. There were no petty or catty people. There was no self-fulfilling leadership. People came into work and went home without causing trouble with other people in the office. It was a rare sight and I thought it was BS. I was still trying to heal from the trauma. I had worked for a company that didn’t care about the people who worked for them. The same people who contributed to their high profits that just get higher every year.

Continue reading “Experiencing Good Bosses: A Journey to Healthy Workplace Culture” →

Sad

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Sad. That’s all I feel nowadays. I have my reasons to be sad. Reasons I’m not ready to share yet.

But it’s all I feel. A while ago, I felt scared. Scared of the future, scared of the present. Just scared. It wasn’t a fun time – I just wanted to dig a hole and crawl in there and avoid coming out.

But now, I’m just sad all the time. It’s the kind of sad that goes deep in your soul and you end up just feeling sorry for everyone around you because they have to deal with it, too. I know my deteriorating mental health is affecting everyone but me and it has made me be more distant and unreachable.

I try. I try as much as I can to not worry everyone else. I don’t talk about it much. Talking about it makes it more real than I want it to be.

I’ve kind of given up on the whole improving my mental health shit. I just never find the reason to because things never turn out the way I want them to be when I try to prevent the worst from happening. But they happen no matter what I do. It seems like my efforts are for nothing.

I just go on with my life without any excitement about the future. Anytime something close to good happens, I question it. I guess this is what it’s going to be like from here on out.