Author: A Girl & Her Wolves

I'm a clinically depressed fucked up individual who is using this site to just vent about the shitty things about MY life.

Two Weeks Later

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I really should be enjoying this time off. It’s been two weeks since I left my job and it’s been a week since my surgery. I can’t sit still. Life is straight up kicking my ass.

I’ve been to two interviews so far. I’m not getting my hopes up about either of them. But regardless, I’m going to keep applying to jobs that I know won’t destroy my soul…or whatever is left of it.

Even though I’ve been feeling better since the surgery, sometimes I still have to sit down and take a quick break because I start feeling the pain. My husband keeps telling me to just chill and stop doing too much because my body is still healing. He’s right…but, dammit, I’m not used to being unproductive. I have to have a purpose for the day or I’ll be bored and do stupid things like upgrade my phone or buy new highlighter. Or spend $80 on shoes for my daughter which I know she’ll outgrow next month.

I’m also house hunting because my lease is up and JesusTapDancingChrist, rent in this area is too damn much. Also, I don’t really need 1,800 sf because I hate cleaning and there are stairs. So we’re looking into moving into an apartment or a condo which would be easy to keep clean and no stairs. But I deliberately bought a cordless vacuum because of the stairs. Where am I going with this? Oh…yeah, I bought a cordless vacuum to use on the stairs but we’ll be moving to a place without stairs. But I really love my vacuum so I’m keeping it.

So it’s just a waiting game with the job prospects. In the meantime, I did get a new book so hopefully that should keep me occupied. Hopefully.

A Few Things That Make Me Happy

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Planners. Yes, those things with dates and spaces to write down your list for the day. I bought this one at Barnes and Noble. Please don’t ask how much I paid for it.

The fact that Postmates delivered my iPad in less than hour from when I placed the order online. It’s so fucking genius.

Tattoos. I didn’t start getting tattoos until I was 35 years old. My first tattoo was of a poisonous flower – a pink oleander.

Then I moved on to my second one. A tribal style sea turtle with a sampaguita (Philippine National Flower). This one hurt like a bitch and took forever to heal.

Then my latest one. I took the coordinates of where I was born and the coordinates of where my husband grew up. The crazy part – the cities are sister cities. Instead of putting his name on me, I went down this route instead. It’s still permanent and even if we split up, he’s always going to be a permanent fixture in my life because I trapped him with 2 kids.

Then of course, I had to do this today…

I Survived. Then I Slept.

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I have been asleep for the past 3 days. I’ve had so many surgeries that I would think I’d be okay but nope, that shit took a lot out of me. First off, the pain. It wasn’t so bad at the hospital because they gave me a morphine machine.

They made me wear this stupid oxygen thing that was connected to this annoying ass machine. And every time I took it off, it would beep like a mofo. So that made it even worse.

My husband stayed with me the whole time. Making sure I was comfortable and that the pain was bearable. It wasn’t until we got home that the pain got worse and my stubborn ass wouldn’t take the pain killers.

But one night, I finally did. Because I cried so hard from the pain. When the pain finally subsided I finally slept. And that’s what I did the past 3 days…sleep. Because the pain took a lot out of me that I was so exhausted.

I’m still recovering and I have a job interview tomorrow which I’m really excited about. More excited about buying an interview outfit.

However, I’m more excited about my new tattoo. More on that later.

Social Media Is No Longer For Me

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn accounts. Any interaction with people outside my real life circle is not what I need right now. I have my kids, my husband, my sister, and a few friends who have my number so they know how to get a hold of me.

I feel like someone who is about to leave the country or probably who is dying soon.

My surgery is tomorrow. Even though it’s something simple, I’m still a little bit worried that there could be complications. Last time I had major surgery, I had to sign a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and a priest came in my room. Good grief.

So I’m only active on Instagram. And even that’s private. My objective is to disappear from everyone’s radar. Deleting my social media accounts seems like the best thing to do. I really don’t want anyone contacting me if they’re not friends and family. I plan to just cut everyone off and not give a rat’s ass about how they’re doing and what they’re doing.

I hope this brings me some kind of peace.

Throw Me A Life Line

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Am I ever going to stop talking about my depression? Probably not. Why? Because not everyone gets it. Some people I’ve told about my depression don’t believe that I have it because I don’t look or act like it. I’ve mastered the “fake it ’til you make it” routine. On the outside, I look like a normal well-adjusted adult who has it together. On the inside, I’m a jumble of all kinds of shit.

Just to clarify, I didn’t choose to be depressed. I didn’t choose to have anxiety. I’ve been through trauma that will never disappear. I’m always going to carry that with me for the rest of my life. If there was a magic pill to make all that go away, I will not hesitate to take it.

I’ve been considering getting a ketamine treatment. I’m a good candidate for it as my depression is medication resistant. When I take two anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety medication and I still feel like I’m drowning, I’m desperate. I know all about the side effects. But I feel like shit ALL. THE. TIME.

I’m constantly feeling low and I’m cruel to myself. So many times I tell myself how everyone is better off without me because i’m sick and I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. I feel like I’m getting worse. I fear for my life because I wake up every day wondering if this is it…this is the day that I’m going to go off into the deep end again. I mentioned to my husband this morning that I’m falling apart.

I should be relaxing and taking advantage of this downtime considering the mental trauma I just went through at my previous job. But my brain won’t stop running and I can’t sit still. I need to be busy all the time. It’s driving me crazy that I am not being mentally stimulated and challenged. At one point in time, I used to know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Now, I don’t even know anymore. I’m not really living, just existing. Being unemployed and getting up every morning without anywhere to go is just making my depression worse.

So where am I really going with this? I’m bored out of my mind plus you add on severe anxiety because I’m so unsure of my life right now. Am I ever going to get a job that won’t make me feel like I’m going to get picked on? Am I going to get unemployment? How will my family eat? How do I keep my lights on? Do I need to sell my shit? So many uncertainties and I don’t have any answers. All the while, I’ve got people depending on me and I feel helpless because I don’t have any fucking clue how to fix this shit.