Category: anxiety

Not At Rockbottom, Yet.

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I guess I should post on here because I’m paying for this. Well, it’s been a rollercoaster. There are good days and there are bad days. Mostly bad days. My anxiety is getting worse by the day. A few days ago, I was walking the dogs and there were just too many things going on outside, dogs barking, people showing up because it was a Friday and everyone wanted to chill with their friends. Usually, that wouldn’t trigger me but that day, it did. I couldn’t breathe, I had to stop walking and everything got so confusing. I don’t know how I made it back. All I know is that I’m thankful I had my dogs with me. They were probably the ones who walked me back home.

When I got back, I collapsed into the bed and just cried for maybe 15 minutes. It was the kind of cry that hurt – it was like all the insane, fucked up shit that I’ve been through just all got tangled up into the size of a dodgeball and just hit me in the gut.

I honestly don’t know anything anymore. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life anymore either. I’m just waiting for a stroke of luck that could possibly change my life a little better. But I’m not holding my breath. I just want to get out of this nightmare.

Yes, I’m still in therapy and I don’t even know if there’s any progress. It’s nice to talk to someone who can make me look at things in a different perspective. I like her anyway and I know that therapy isn’t an instant remedy. It takes time. And I’m still at the point where I’m trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I’m trying to learn how to cope with stress and how to try to not let my depression drain the life out of me. Because, lately, the stress and the depression has been slowly taking over my whole life.

I’ll try to post as often as I can. I wish I had better things to share. But, nope. Sorry about that, guys.

Why Reddit is Not Ideal for Service Dog Advice

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I’m over here, just trying to work on Freya’s training to be a service dog, and sometimes I lurk on Reddit in the service dogs subreddit. Just reading the posts and how people respond to those asking for advice is just astounding.

Instead of providing constructive advice, the self-righteous twats are not very helpful. Instead, they come across as condescending and sound like they’re lecturing rather than being useful. Some have even suggested that a handler should wash out their dog over an isolated incident. I used to think that some subreddits are there for support and guidance, but it’s really just a community of people sitting on their asses all day and stuffing their faces with Ho-Hos.

Continue reading “Why Reddit is Not Ideal for Service Dog Advice” →

I’m Going To Start Liking This Little Life – Eventually

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

It hasn’t been a bad month but not a very good month either. In less than 30 days, I found a new therapist (she’s great), my husband had knee surgery, I witnessed a shooting, and now my dog has to be medicated because he’s too anxious and gets excited about everything – if that makes sense.

Continue reading “I’m Going To Start Liking This Little Life – Eventually” →

I’m Just A Shell

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Had a bad day today. I have a trip starting tomorrow and won’t be back until Thursday afternoon. It’s for work so it’s not even close to remotely fun.

The dogs were acting out, mainly Butch. He seemed mad at me. He kept barking at me all day and also at Freya. I spent a good portion of my day just yelling at my dogs. I feel like such a shitty dog parent. I know they’ll be okay – they behave better around my husband anyway.

We’re moving on Saturday and I’m only 25% packed. I started packing up the things I want to take to the hotel and I need to sort out the ones that can go into storage like spring and summer clothes, artwork, and a bunch of other things that won’t fit in the hotel.

I have to put together the gliders’ new cage and the dogs’ crates. I also have to set up the air purifier and the room essential oil diffuser.

I’ve been going through psychosis. My patience is non-existent, I am angry easily, I get annoyed at everything, I’m irritable, I’m going through mania, too. And the voices are back in my head. I think it’s the Ozempic. But I’m also under a lot of fucking stress.

I have an appt with my doctor tomorrow to address the psychosis and auditory hallucinations. I might ask to change my meds altogether. The Geodon she prescribed is not working. I don’t know if I’ll need a higher dosage, put me back on Abilify, or the last resort – lithium.

I also have therapy on Friday. I made a list of things I want to bring up during sessions. I’m probably going to log how each session went. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of therapy. I’ve had 4 / 5 different ones. They all sucked. I hope this new one doesn’t.

I was hesitating doing therapy again because it’s hard for me to bring up the traumatic shit I went to. But all the anger, resentment, and unresolved trauma is building up and I’m most going to explode and that would not be good for anyone.

At this point, I’m feeling like a total fucking failure. I don’t want to do anything but sleep because it makes the anxiety go away. I really hate the way I’m feeling right now. I have intrusive thoughts – mostly suicidal thoughts.

I just gotta get through the next 4 days for this work trip and then figure out what to do with the long list of shit I have to deal with.