I asked for an octopus wet specimen for Christmas and my sister delivered. The weirdo in me was like, “Cool…this would be interesting to look at on my desk every day while I work.” However, I didn’t sign up for caring for a dead pet.
Continue reading “My “Pet” Octopus”Category: dailies
Welcome To My Normal
Working from home has its perks and my favorite one is getting to decorate my work space however I want.
I’ve never been a fan of bare walls, even cubicle walls. When I worked in the office, I would put up pictures and bring in random knickknacks from home. Boring spaces don’t motivate me.
Continue reading “Welcome To My Normal”I Feel Dead Inside
I feel like my condition is getting worse. I have schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. The ADHD is the only thing under some kind of control. I still forget things and put off other stuff, but I’m able to focus on work. I’m also medicated and I really should see a therapist on a regular basis but I haven’t been feeling like talking at all.
I’m so withdrawn and have just been isolating myself. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to be touched. I’m so easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. I love my dogs but when I’m sitting or lying down it’s when they want to go outside and play. It really annoys the shit out of me and I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. I don’t neglect my pets at all, but they remind me of when my kids were little.
I wonder every day why I’m even here. I feel like my life is just a big fucking joke and I’m doing all this shit just to die at the end. I wish I was still doing the things I used to enjoy. I loved drawing, I loved going to places and take pictures. I loved going to sports events. I loved going to museums. Even if I tried now, there would be no passion in it. I just can’t find it in me to enjoy life. I do love sleeping. Yesterday, I went back to sleep at 10 am and woke up at 2 pm. I slept fine last night but I just wanted to sleep more. Maybe because it shuts the voices up.
I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m not here anymore. I’m just a shell of what I used to be. There are a lot of days when I’m mad or upset. Days when I think about getting a gun and just blow my brains out. Days of wondering what it would feel like to be normal. I know so many well adjusted adults and I’m over here regressing. I feel like anything I do will never be good enough. I’m just a disappointment at this point. I think I was born broken.
I really don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m Trying To Survive
I went to the cardiologist last week. They did an EKG and my heart rate at rest was 117 BPM. So I had to go back and get a stress test, an ultrasound, and then another EKG. I passed my stress test. I haven’t heard about my ultrasound yet, and I guess my EKG is fine? But they have me wearing a holter monitor.
Dark Times Are Ahead
No, this isn’t some apocalyptic conspiracy theory post. Dark times for ME are ahead. Or maybe I’m already in it. I really can’t catch a break AT ALL. Everything is crashing down on me all at once. It’s suffocating.
I’ve been having more anxiety lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I feel like a shell instead of a whole person. I’m either running on a hamster wheel or just wandering around aimlessly trying to find meaning in my life. One would think at 41 that they’ve got it somewhat figured out.
Maybe I’m cursed. Maybe I’m just not meant to enjoy and live life. Maybe I’m just put on this planet to struggle and always in survival mode. I want to disappear so bad. I want to run away from everything and everyone. I have decided to change my name when we move out of Maryland. I’m starting over – new name and everything.
My heart is always trying to jump out of my chest every morning. I dread waking up. I dread what kind of fucked up shit I’ll find out. There are so many things going on and I really don’t want to share them on here…but it’s just all fucked up. Just knowing that they’re there is paralyzing.
I have no motivation to do anything. I need a therapist but there’s so much to unpack that the ones I’ve met before had no clue how to deal with me. On the outside, I put on a brave face. On the inside, I’m curled up in the corner, in the dark, screaming. I’m tired of fighting to survive.
I’m just tired. Period.
