I feel like my condition is getting worse. I have schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. The ADHD is the only thing under some kind of control. I still forget things and put off other stuff, but I’m able to focus on work. I’m also medicated and I really should see a therapist on a regular basis but I haven’t been feeling like talking at all.
I’m so withdrawn and have just been isolating myself. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to be touched. I’m so easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. I love my dogs but when I’m sitting or lying down it’s when they want to go outside and play. It really annoys the shit out of me and I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. I don’t neglect my pets at all, but they remind me of when my kids were little.
I wonder every day why I’m even here. I feel like my life is just a big fucking joke and I’m doing all this shit just to die at the end. I wish I was still doing the things I used to enjoy. I loved drawing, I loved going to places and take pictures. I loved going to sports events. I loved going to museums. Even if I tried now, there would be no passion in it. I just can’t find it in me to enjoy life. I do love sleeping. Yesterday, I went back to sleep at 10 am and woke up at 2 pm. I slept fine last night but I just wanted to sleep more. Maybe because it shuts the voices up.
I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m not here anymore. I’m just a shell of what I used to be. There are a lot of days when I’m mad or upset. Days when I think about getting a gun and just blow my brains out. Days of wondering what it would feel like to be normal. I know so many well adjusted adults and I’m over here regressing. I feel like anything I do will never be good enough. I’m just a disappointment at this point. I think I was born broken.
I really don’t want to be here anymore.
