Category: life

Dark Times Are Ahead

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

No, this isn’t some apocalyptic conspiracy theory post. Dark times for ME are ahead. Or maybe I’m already in it. I really can’t catch a break AT ALL. Everything is crashing down on me all at once. It’s suffocating.

I’ve been having more anxiety lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I feel like a shell instead of a whole person. I’m either running on a hamster wheel or just wandering around aimlessly trying to find meaning in my life. One would think at 41 that they’ve got it somewhat figured out.

Maybe I’m cursed. Maybe I’m just not meant to enjoy and live life. Maybe I’m just put on this planet to struggle and always in survival mode. I want to disappear so bad. I want to run away from everything and everyone. I have decided to change my name when we move out of Maryland. I’m starting over – new name and everything.

My heart is always trying to jump out of my chest every morning. I dread waking up. I dread what kind of fucked up shit I’ll find out. There are so many things going on and I really don’t want to share them on here…but it’s just all fucked up. Just knowing that they’re there is paralyzing.

I have no motivation to do anything. I need a therapist but there’s so much to unpack that the ones I’ve met before had no clue how to deal with me. On the outside, I put on a brave face. On the inside, I’m curled up in the corner, in the dark, screaming. I’m tired of fighting to survive.

I’m just tired. Period.

Mental Health Update

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. On top of major depression and generalized anxiety because the universe just hates my guts. 

I also found a new therapist. Not only do I need to work on my past trauma and also get through Felicia’s death, I have to start wrapping my head around my diagnosis. This is a lot to take, honestly. I don’t know if I should be relieved that there’s an explanation behind the things I do and accept it or continue to feel like shit because I am not built for this.

Living with major depression has been a struggle for me. It takes a lot out of me just to get through getting up in the morning and doing the most mundane tasks. Then the tiredness and occasional body pains. The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of worthlessness, feeling helpless, feeling overwhelmed…I could go on and on. It’s really a lot to deal with. Now that I have another mental health diagnosis on top of all that, it’s a lot to take. 

I know that this will be a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. But I’m glad I found a therapist who is willing to work with my issues (and she’ll probably need therapy once she gets to know me) and be there to help me come up with new coping skills. I don’t know exactly when I decided I was ready to be in therapy again but I feel like everything that I’ve been holding in and not addressing are weighing me down. 

Now that my kids are older and pretty much self-sufficient, I need to work on myself so I can be a better mom, wife, and person. Even if it means facing my demons. 

If I Could Live On An Island By Myself, I Would

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I’ve been asked if I’ll ever go back to Facebook/Twitter. That’s a definite no. Too much social media probably contributed to the worsening of my depression because there were people out there – not deliberately – making me feel like an awful human/mother/wife, etc. I know they’re not doing that on purpose but still…I just learned how to adult, okay? And get this, I can barely see far away without my glasses so yeah…my body is now catching up to my age.

I’m on Instagram. That’s pretty much it. I share my life with pictures and short captions. That’s all I’m willing to share.

Without Facebook, I don’t need to see other people’s political agenda. Phew.

Without Twitter, same as Facebook.

Without LinkedIn, no one knows where I work. Thank God.

But I did find a job. It hasn’t been that long yet so I’m not sure if I like it or not. I’ve been duped before about how great the culture is at work, blah blah blah, then it turns out to be a cesspool of shitheads who sweep harassments under the rug and don’t even punish the perpetrators. What fucking gives?! And if you’re the victim, stop crying because they’ll just end up not liking you and come up with a ridiculous lie on why they had to fire you.

However, I was assured by HR at my new job that whatever the old job got away with would never fly at the new place because they have a zero tolerance for that kind of BS.

So yeah, the new place has the best view.

We have an open layout and I thought that would be annoying because I get distracted easily, but it’s not all that bad. Maybe because people there mind their own business and are too busy to fuck with people. They leave me the fuck alone.

I just wish I could get my depression under control. But that’s for another time. Also, I’m never going back to construction. Fool me once.

Two Weeks Later

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I really should be enjoying this time off. It’s been two weeks since I left my job and it’s been a week since my surgery. I can’t sit still. Life is straight up kicking my ass.

I’ve been to two interviews so far. I’m not getting my hopes up about either of them. But regardless, I’m going to keep applying to jobs that I know won’t destroy my soul…or whatever is left of it.

Even though I’ve been feeling better since the surgery, sometimes I still have to sit down and take a quick break because I start feeling the pain. My husband keeps telling me to just chill and stop doing too much because my body is still healing. He’s right…but, dammit, I’m not used to being unproductive. I have to have a purpose for the day or I’ll be bored and do stupid things like upgrade my phone or buy new highlighter. Or spend $80 on shoes for my daughter which I know she’ll outgrow next month.

I’m also house hunting because my lease is up and JesusTapDancingChrist, rent in this area is too damn much. Also, I don’t really need 1,800 sf because I hate cleaning and there are stairs. So we’re looking into moving into an apartment or a condo which would be easy to keep clean and no stairs. But I deliberately bought a cordless vacuum because of the stairs. Where am I going with this? Oh…yeah, I bought a cordless vacuum to use on the stairs but we’ll be moving to a place without stairs. But I really love my vacuum so I’m keeping it.

So it’s just a waiting game with the job prospects. In the meantime, I did get a new book so hopefully that should keep me occupied. Hopefully.

A Few Things That Make Me Happy

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Planners. Yes, those things with dates and spaces to write down your list for the day. I bought this one at Barnes and Noble. Please don’t ask how much I paid for it.

The fact that Postmates delivered my iPad in less than hour from when I placed the order online. It’s so fucking genius.

Tattoos. I didn’t start getting tattoos until I was 35 years old. My first tattoo was of a poisonous flower – a pink oleander.

Then I moved on to my second one. A tribal style sea turtle with a sampaguita (Philippine National Flower). This one hurt like a bitch and took forever to heal.

Then my latest one. I took the coordinates of where I was born and the coordinates of where my husband grew up. The crazy part – the cities are sister cities. Instead of putting his name on me, I went down this route instead. It’s still permanent and even if we split up, he’s always going to be a permanent fixture in my life because I trapped him with 2 kids.

Then of course, I had to do this today…