I guess I should post on here because I’m paying for this. Well, it’s been a rollercoaster. There are good days and there are bad days. Mostly bad days. My anxiety is getting worse by the day. A few days ago, I was walking the dogs and there were just too many things going on outside, dogs barking, people showing up because it was a Friday and everyone wanted to chill with their friends. Usually, that wouldn’t trigger me but that day, it did. I couldn’t breathe, I had to stop walking and everything got so confusing. I don’t know how I made it back. All I know is that I’m thankful I had my dogs with me. They were probably the ones who walked me back home.
When I got back, I collapsed into the bed and just cried for maybe 15 minutes. It was the kind of cry that hurt – it was like all the insane, fucked up shit that I’ve been through just all got tangled up into the size of a dodgeball and just hit me in the gut.
I honestly don’t know anything anymore. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life anymore either. I’m just waiting for a stroke of luck that could possibly change my life a little better. But I’m not holding my breath. I just want to get out of this nightmare.
Yes, I’m still in therapy and I don’t even know if there’s any progress. It’s nice to talk to someone who can make me look at things in a different perspective. I like her anyway and I know that therapy isn’t an instant remedy. It takes time. And I’m still at the point where I’m trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I’m trying to learn how to cope with stress and how to try to not let my depression drain the life out of me. Because, lately, the stress and the depression has been slowly taking over my whole life.
I’ll try to post as often as I can. I wish I had better things to share. But, nope. Sorry about that, guys.
