It’s that time of the year again when my depression takes over and cripples me. I always dread the beginning of September because that’s when I know the gloomy days are ahead. Even though I don’t mind it getting dark earlier, it does something to my brain.
Lately I’ve been so down and feeling defeated. My life is falling apart and I’ve just about given up on trying to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth it when something else comes along to destroy what little effort I’ve put in.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying. I really am. But I suck at coping with stress and every day life issues. When something goes wrong, I feel helpless. I’m close to having a psychotic break.
My depression has defined me. I feel like such a burden to everyone because I’m always angry and bitter. Like who the fuck wants to be around that shit, you know? And with the season changing, any hope I have left just diminishes.
Most of the time I feel lonely. There’s no one in this world who gets me. I keep all my emotions bottled up because no one wants to keep hearing about my depression. All I have to talk to is my therapist but she’s paid to do that. I can’t talk to anyone about my depression because it’s dark and well – depressing. I can’t find reasons to want to wake up every morning.
I wake up anxious all the time. I question my existence, my purpose. Do I even have a purpose other than being a mother and caretakers to my 7 animals? I can’t make myself look forward to anything. Even my upcoming trip is stressing me out because what if Freya doesn’t do well on the plane? A part of me just wants to cancel the trip and take the loss.
Fear is also a big part of my daily life. I’m scared of the fact that one day I would finally put an end to my misery. I’m insecure about my future. I have no stability in my life. I’m terrified that this is how it’s always going to be for the rest of my life and everyday, I wish I were dead.
I know. Dark.
I don’t find any sense to keep going when there’s no end result in sight. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. My tunnel is just an infinity black hole waiting for me to walk through and then swallow me whole.
When all these intrusive thoughts dominate my mind, I can’t stop them. It makes my anxiety worse. I overthink. I come up with worst case scenarios of events that haven’t happened. Instead of living in the present, I dread about the future knowing that I don’t even know what’s out there for me.
I’m 42 years old and I feel like I have accomplished little – almost close to nothing. Everyone around me seems like they’ve got their shit together and I’m still playing catch up. I’ve been playing catch up for decades now and no matter what I do, I’m always 10 steps behind. The things I want for myself are out of reach and unattainable. Nothing good ever happens to me.
I don’t know what I want anymore. I run on autopilot. I do what I need to do without any joy in it. I feel like running away from everyone because I don’t want to be a problem anymore. I want people to stop worrying about me – if there is even anyone who does.
I just want to disappear.
