Ozempic Turned Me Into A Monster

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I went up to .50mg a month ago. A week later, there was a difference in my moods and my anxiety was at its worse. I already suffer from schizoaffective disorder and the paranoia and auditory hallucinations all came back. Then the suicidal thoughts came back as well. 

This went on for 2 more weeks until I had my monthly check in with my doctor and I explained to her what was happening to me. She told me that they are starting studies on the effects of the medication with mental health. There’s a 38% chance of having depression and suicidal thoughts…which is already bad when you already have those to begin with. She recommended I go back to my .25mg dosage any maybe it could help. 

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Pet Loss – One Of The Worst Losses In Life

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I’m writing this on the plane on my way back home from a business trip.

My sister’s cat passed away suddenly last night due to feline heart failure. I was walking back to my room when my sister texted me. I broke down. I raised that cat from when he was a kitten. I was the one who picked him out with his sister over 11 years ago. It hurt. It always does when a pet passes away – unexpectedly or otherwise. You never get used to it. You never get desensitized to it.

  • Pardon the resolution. It was around 2017 and I was using an iPhone 8.
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My Dream Was Way Out There

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Went out last night with my coworkers and a client and I had 2 large margaritas at a Tex-Mex place in Dallas. I’m a lightweight but yesterday was the first of 2 days of day-long meetings. And during the meeting, one discussion got heated and we all just decided to end the meeting for the day and go to dinner.

After dinner, I went to my room, took like 2 melatonin gummies and got ready for bed. You all, melatonin and alcohol don’t mix.

My dream kept me tossing and turning for the most part of the night. It was about humans with superpowers and humans without superpowers.

The superpowers were electrocution and turning people’s insides into liquid if a mutant touched you. The government started tracking these people with the mutated genes, gave them THC laced with a substance that suppressed their superpowers, did studies on them and their parents because at first it was genetic, and made sure that they had all their DNA info in a database.

So the mutants weren’t using their powers but there were some rogue ones that were. And they were being shot at or captured and put in concentration camps. They started threatening to put parents in prison if they didn’t control their mutant kids. Some parents gave up and their kids were put in foster homes for mutants.

Anyway, the mutants – kids and adults – started rebelling and it became a full out war. They stopped taking the substances the government gave them by not showing up to the locations where they had to pick up the laced THC vapes, living in abandoned housing, grouping together to go after the mutant hunters, etc.

There was one woman whose sister was killed by a mutant. She took over an abandoned houses’s basement and left the upstairs alone. Mutants would squat in the house but she would booby trap the basement door so whenever a mutant would open it, they’d get hurt, she’d kill them and dismember them. Dismembering them made it easier for her to dispose the bodies (think Dexter). Also, she would take some of the body parts and leave them in places where mutants would hang out as some kind of warning.

The government thought that the mutation was genetic but then kids were born with the mutation even though neither parent had the gene. Some people even built up some tolerance to the substance and their superpowers got stronger. Some even developed new powers like when they touched a regular person, that person’s skin would burn. Like 2nd degree burns.

Also, to add, you could tell who the mutants were because they all had to wear special gloves so they couldn’t hurt the regular people. When some mutants decided they didn’t want to be marked, they stopped wearing the gloves.

I had to wake up because my stomach started hurting. I took an ex-lax the night before and it just started working. I also had a headache and I needed to take some ibuprofen and chug my 32 oz of water.

So yeah, melatonin and alcohol don’t mix. 0/5 stars.

I’m Just A Shell

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Had a bad day today. I have a trip starting tomorrow and won’t be back until Thursday afternoon. It’s for work so it’s not even close to remotely fun.

The dogs were acting out, mainly Butch. He seemed mad at me. He kept barking at me all day and also at Freya. I spent a good portion of my day just yelling at my dogs. I feel like such a shitty dog parent. I know they’ll be okay – they behave better around my husband anyway.

We’re moving on Saturday and I’m only 25% packed. I started packing up the things I want to take to the hotel and I need to sort out the ones that can go into storage like spring and summer clothes, artwork, and a bunch of other things that won’t fit in the hotel.

I have to put together the gliders’ new cage and the dogs’ crates. I also have to set up the air purifier and the room essential oil diffuser.

I’ve been going through psychosis. My patience is non-existent, I am angry easily, I get annoyed at everything, I’m irritable, I’m going through mania, too. And the voices are back in my head. I think it’s the Ozempic. But I’m also under a lot of fucking stress.

I have an appt with my doctor tomorrow to address the psychosis and auditory hallucinations. I might ask to change my meds altogether. The Geodon she prescribed is not working. I don’t know if I’ll need a higher dosage, put me back on Abilify, or the last resort – lithium.

I also have therapy on Friday. I made a list of things I want to bring up during sessions. I’m probably going to log how each session went. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of therapy. I’ve had 4 / 5 different ones. They all sucked. I hope this new one doesn’t.

I was hesitating doing therapy again because it’s hard for me to bring up the traumatic shit I went to. But all the anger, resentment, and unresolved trauma is building up and I’m most going to explode and that would not be good for anyone.

At this point, I’m feeling like a total fucking failure. I don’t want to do anything but sleep because it makes the anxiety go away. I really hate the way I’m feeling right now. I have intrusive thoughts – mostly suicidal thoughts.

I just gotta get through the next 4 days for this work trip and then figure out what to do with the long list of shit I have to deal with.

I Feel Dead Inside

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I feel like my condition is getting worse. I have schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. The ADHD is the only thing under some kind of control. I still forget things and put off other stuff, but I’m able to focus on work. I’m also medicated and I really should see a therapist on a regular basis but I haven’t been feeling like talking at all.

I’m so withdrawn and have just been isolating myself. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to be touched. I’m so easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. I love my dogs but when I’m sitting or lying down it’s when they want to go outside and play. It really annoys the shit out of me and I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. I don’t neglect my pets at all, but they remind me of when my kids were little.

I wonder every day why I’m even here. I feel like my life is just a big fucking joke and I’m doing all this shit just to die at the end. I wish I was still doing the things I used to enjoy. I loved drawing, I loved going to places and take pictures. I loved going to sports events. I loved going to museums. Even if I tried now, there would be no passion in it. I just can’t find it in me to enjoy life. I do love sleeping. Yesterday, I went back to sleep at 10 am and woke up at 2 pm. I slept fine last night but I just wanted to sleep more. Maybe because it shuts the voices up.

I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m not here anymore. I’m just a shell of what I used to be. There are a lot of days when I’m mad or upset. Days when I think about getting a gun and just blow my brains out. Days of wondering what it would feel like to be normal. I know so many well adjusted adults and I’m over here regressing. I feel like anything I do will never be good enough. I’m just a disappointment at this point. I think I was born broken.

I really don’t want to be here anymore.