I feel like my depression has won this battle. And it’s not your usual, down in the dumps, I’ll get over it soon kind of depression. It’s the kind that has dragged me to the deepest part of the earth and it’s dark. It has become its own entity and follows me wherever I go saying all kinds of fucked up shit to me.
I named it Dickhead.
Continue reading “Dickhead”Had a bad day today. I have a trip starting tomorrow and won’t be back until Thursday afternoon. It’s for work so it’s not even close to remotely fun.
The dogs were acting out, mainly Butch. He seemed mad at me. He kept barking at me all day and also at Freya. I spent a good portion of my day just yelling at my dogs. I feel like such a shitty dog parent. I know they’ll be okay – they behave better around my husband anyway.
We’re moving on Saturday and I’m only 25% packed. I started packing up the things I want to take to the hotel and I need to sort out the ones that can go into storage like spring and summer clothes, artwork, and a bunch of other things that won’t fit in the hotel.
I have to put together the gliders’ new cage and the dogs’ crates. I also have to set up the air purifier and the room essential oil diffuser.
I’ve been going through psychosis. My patience is non-existent, I am angry easily, I get annoyed at everything, I’m irritable, I’m going through mania, too. And the voices are back in my head. I think it’s the Ozempic. But I’m also under a lot of fucking stress.
I have an appt with my doctor tomorrow to address the psychosis and auditory hallucinations. I might ask to change my meds altogether. The Geodon she prescribed is not working. I don’t know if I’ll need a higher dosage, put me back on Abilify, or the last resort – lithium.
I also have therapy on Friday. I made a list of things I want to bring up during sessions. I’m probably going to log how each session went. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of therapy. I’ve had 4 / 5 different ones. They all sucked. I hope this new one doesn’t.
I was hesitating doing therapy again because it’s hard for me to bring up the traumatic shit I went to. But all the anger, resentment, and unresolved trauma is building up and I’m most going to explode and that would not be good for anyone.
At this point, I’m feeling like a total fucking failure. I don’t want to do anything but sleep because it makes the anxiety go away. I really hate the way I’m feeling right now. I have intrusive thoughts – mostly suicidal thoughts.
I just gotta get through the next 4 days for this work trip and then figure out what to do with the long list of shit I have to deal with.
