Sad

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Sad. That’s all I feel nowadays. I have my reasons to be sad. Reasons I’m not ready to share yet.

But it’s all I feel. A while ago, I felt scared. Scared of the future, scared of the present. Just scared. It wasn’t a fun time – I just wanted to dig a hole and crawl in there and avoid coming out.

But now, I’m just sad all the time. It’s the kind of sad that goes deep in your soul and you end up just feeling sorry for everyone around you because they have to deal with it, too. I know my deteriorating mental health is affecting everyone but me and it has made me be more distant and unreachable.

I try. I try as much as I can to not worry everyone else. I don’t talk about it much. Talking about it makes it more real than I want it to be.

I’ve kind of given up on the whole improving my mental health shit. I just never find the reason to because things never turn out the way I want them to be when I try to prevent the worst from happening. But they happen no matter what I do. It seems like my efforts are for nothing.

I just go on with my life without any excitement about the future. Anytime something close to good happens, I question it. I guess this is what it’s going to be like from here on out.

The Tummy Tuck

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

Have you ever had surgery? What for?

In the past, I had to get surgery I didn’t sign up for and they were all necessary.

  1. The one time I had to get a hysterectomy due to fibroids.
  2. A dermoid cyst got too heavy for my right ovary so they had to remove that. I only have 1 ovary left.
  3. I had my 2nd C-section.
  4. My appendix got infected so I had to get that removed.
  5. I had my 1st C-section.
  6. I had gallstones so my gallbladder was removed.
  7. Last year, I had to get a tummy tuck.
Continue reading “The Tummy Tuck” →

Dark Times Are Ahead

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

No, this isn’t some apocalyptic conspiracy theory post. Dark times for ME are ahead. Or maybe I’m already in it. I really can’t catch a break AT ALL. Everything is crashing down on me all at once. It’s suffocating.

I’ve been having more anxiety lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I feel like a shell instead of a whole person. I’m either running on a hamster wheel or just wandering around aimlessly trying to find meaning in my life. One would think at 41 that they’ve got it somewhat figured out.

Maybe I’m cursed. Maybe I’m just not meant to enjoy and live life. Maybe I’m just put on this planet to struggle and always in survival mode. I want to disappear so bad. I want to run away from everything and everyone. I have decided to change my name when we move out of Maryland. I’m starting over – new name and everything.

My heart is always trying to jump out of my chest every morning. I dread waking up. I dread what kind of fucked up shit I’ll find out. There are so many things going on and I really don’t want to share them on here…but it’s just all fucked up. Just knowing that they’re there is paralyzing.

I have no motivation to do anything. I need a therapist but there’s so much to unpack that the ones I’ve met before had no clue how to deal with me. On the outside, I put on a brave face. On the inside, I’m curled up in the corner, in the dark, screaming. I’m tired of fighting to survive.

I’m just tired. Period.

Mental Health Update

Published on by A Girl & Her Wolves

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. On top of major depression and generalized anxiety because the universe just hates my guts. 

I also found a new therapist. Not only do I need to work on my past trauma and also get through Felicia’s death, I have to start wrapping my head around my diagnosis. This is a lot to take, honestly. I don’t know if I should be relieved that there’s an explanation behind the things I do and accept it or continue to feel like shit because I am not built for this.

Living with major depression has been a struggle for me. It takes a lot out of me just to get through getting up in the morning and doing the most mundane tasks. Then the tiredness and occasional body pains. The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of worthlessness, feeling helpless, feeling overwhelmed…I could go on and on. It’s really a lot to deal with. Now that I have another mental health diagnosis on top of all that, it’s a lot to take. 

I know that this will be a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. But I’m glad I found a therapist who is willing to work with my issues (and she’ll probably need therapy once she gets to know me) and be there to help me come up with new coping skills. I don’t know exactly when I decided I was ready to be in therapy again but I feel like everything that I’ve been holding in and not addressing are weighing me down. 

Now that my kids are older and pretty much self-sufficient, I need to work on myself so I can be a better mom, wife, and person. Even if it means facing my demons.